Letter Ex

I’ve been having some pretty odd dreams lately. The latest one has taken the cake though. I watched my favorite band, Foo Fighters, model outfits they wore in commercials starting from most recent and going back to Grohl’s Nirvana days. First, they were never in commercials but that’s what my dream mind told me. Second, I watched this procession with an ex.

At the end of the costume parade I went over to my ex, who was sitting at a large executive desk (not important but weird), and asked him if we could be friends. He said yes. How nice! First, It’s only been 10+ years since we dated. Second, I don’t remember the last time we had a conversation (we are “friends” on Facebook  … not like that means anything).

His appearance in my dream and a friend going through some shit ended up with Dream Me thinking it’d be a good idea to write him a letter. Dream Me, I need to distinguish these thoughts from my fully awake and coherent self, also decided that this couldn’t be done via Facebook as it’s much to impersonal. Any sane person can see immediatly this is flawed. First, I don’t know his address and asking for it would be super fucking weird. Second, it’s just a bad fucking idea.

There’s nothing wrong with writing a friend. Seriously, who doesn’t like receiving a nice card in the mail for no other reason than to say “hey!”? But writing an ex? There’s too many “if’s, and’s, and but’s” to make that shit not seem like something out of Crazy Ex-girlfriendAnd to do it out of the blue? Hell no. Keep your pen cap on, crazy pants.

So Many No’s

Like I mentioned above, a friend is going through some shit which has reminded me of how dumb I was in my youth which is the polar opposite of nostalgia and is totally not welcome. This is likely the cause of Dream Me feeling the need to express regret at my past relationship behavior. At this point in our lives is is really necessary to apologize for being young and stupid?

  • It’s the past. Why would I want to bring it up? It’s been over 10 years and we’ve both moved on. Who is going to give a shit about an apology now and who the fuck can even remember?
  • Hindsight. We’ve both grown up and matured. If I can chalk up my actions to being a heartbroken teen who didn’t know better, then surely he can also recognize this. Not to say it still isn’t embarrassing to remember.
  • Excuses. Back then I was crazy for no reason. Having had time to self reflect (and time with a therapist) has made me realize that there were other things that influenced my behavior. Does it affect the past? No. Does it really matter? Nope, and it’ll probably only seem like I’m making excuses.
The “it’s a bad idea” face.

Friend or Foe

My general decision regarding exes is that once the relationship is over, it stays over and there is no communication. As I’ve been writing this I’ve thought about how weird it is that I have just completely cut off people that I had an intimate bond with. Shouldn’t I have at least tried to be friends since they know me so well? How often do you find people like that?

It’s an easy answer. Not all ex-boyfriends can be friends. I have one, maybe two, that I’m actually friends with. The others? Maybe the relationship ended so badly that it’s tarnished beyond repair. Maybe you know that if you were to remain in contact that the cycle would start again. Either way, there’s a reason that not all exes make that transition to friend and it should be respected.

Moving On

First loves, early loves, and young loves are difficult to find footing in because they’re new. We make mistakes and people get hurt. Why did Dream Me feel the need to reach out? Maybe not to apologize just for my actions but for what those actions resulted in: broken hearts, hurt feelings, and general discomfort. In this case, Dream Me loses (and is delusional). The person I was then, the person he knew, is not the person I am now. If I were to reach out he would only know the past me, the immature crazy teenager and those hurt and uncomfortable feeling would return. No one wants that in their mailbox. There is no point in reaching out/writing a letter/skywriting a message/sending a smoke signal.

The “we’re done with this bullshit” face.