A Cheesey Tragedy

In my last post I mentioned I had a love of cheese. I type the words but they simply do not encompass how deeply my feelings for cheese went. When my husband and I would eat cheese and crackers, I would pass on the crackers. Bagels were not just tasty breakfast food but vehicles for copious amounts of cream cheese. And I mean copious. We’re talking up to 1/4 portion of a cream cheese block per bagel here, folks. I would eat cheddar and mozzarella straight. No cutting or proper portions for me! I would just bite into the blocks like a starving animal. I even wrote a rap trying to capture my love of the stuff.

Say What?

Yes, I said a rap.  A gangsta poem! It’s as bad as it sounds too! And you know what? I dug it out from the cobwebs of my external hard-drive to share with you! Please do not hold what you’re about to read against me or my Creative Writing degree (toot toot). It really doesn’t showcase my super fine writing abilities. If you want to see me spin bullshit into gold, then you should read some of my cover letters. No, this Crappy poem is for pure fun. So enjoy!


I’ll tell you what I like to munch on at night

A nice big block of tasty cheese

Cut with a knife right into my mouth

No meat or crackers needed for me

I love the cheese, the c-h-z

cheddar, munster, even some brie

Solid or melted, I don’t care

When there’s cheese around you better beware

When I make lasagna it ain’t no joke

Ricotta, mozzarella, I go for broke

Noodles and meat are a second thought

I don’t want to waste all the cheese that I bought

Lazy-on-ya? I got something for ya

Laying on the couch you ain’t moving with ease

Rocking a food baby initials c-h-z

So full of the good stuff you don’t know what to do

Another slice? Hell yeah! So what if you spew

I love the cheese, the c-h-z

There ain’t no other snack for me

I need it, love it, I can’t get enough

If I was lactose intolerant, I’d be in a bloated huff

Pizza, tacos, pasta, and chili

Can’t stop me from going all silly

I put cheese on it, not a little but a a lot

And if you don’t like it, tie your tongue in a knot

Spreadable, bendable, crumbly, and shredded

Twisted, melded, blended, and threaded

Swiss, blue, sour, and feta

Cottage and cream, it don’t get any better!

Getting On With the Story

I started to realize my body was turning on me during the summer of last year. I have a couple of friends who are on the dairy-hurts float so I talked to them about the symptoms they experienced and self-diagnosed myself as lactose intolerant. I don’t know where I am on the spectrum because some cheeses don’t seem to affect as others do.  Goat cheese, for example, I can handle but Brie… bad things happen. Milk is completely out of the question but that’s easy for me because I hardly bothered with the stuff to begin with (we cut cereals out of our diets years ago).

My once undying love for cheese has turned bitter. I want to blame it for causing me pain and anguish, but I can really only blame my aging, intolerant body. So one of my goals this year is to be good about dairy. I’m still finding out what I can and cannot handle but for the most part I’m cutting it out. But I’m also a hypocrite because I recently ate the most delicious goat cheese pizza. But you know, it didn’t hurt so I might keep that in.

The Point?

Sometimes you have to give up what you love in order to save yourself from discomfort (and more than necessary time spent in the bathroom). I loved cheese but when it started to be unpleasant to eat I had to weigh my options. Eat cheese and reap the disagreeable result of feeling like shit? Or don’t eat it, expand my food options, and feel like a human? Option two, please!

I totally stole that point from a friend because it’s basically what she said to me when we were talking about her going dairy-free.

If you follow me on Instagram, then you’ve seen a few of my dairy-free attempts (and a copy of that tasty goat cheese pizza) but you can be sure that I’ll share my adventures and recipes here as well. I’m sure they’ll be some missteps that’ll result in a humorous tale. But no more raps. I promise.

What’s Next?

I kind of want some more of that pizza…

That tasty pizza I keep talking about paired with some delicious Virginia wine. Toss the arugula in some olive oil and lemon juice and you’re in for a tasty time! Recipe here: http://bit.ly/1NnBkGL




One thought on “A Cheesey Tragedy

Comments are closed.